Caught on Tape: Ratchet's Usual Day
by Insane Rice of the Cosmos
Summary: A semi pointless fic in whice Ratch decides to record the more...interesting parts of his day. Some JazzxProwl in there. WOW.One shot.


What am I doing

**What am I doing? **

**I honestly have no idea.**

**Just be cool and play along, kids, because this…is the Story with No Apparent Meaning. Also, there's some slash (GASP! Me, write slash?! UNHEARD OF!) And some OPXBA. Oh, and random Transformers serious situations gone silly.**

**Oops, almost forgot! Guest stars in this one! Guess who!**

**Also, I give BA a brick, and it goes straight through the Fourth Wall! Last time I get her anything that's large and blunt…even Ratch takes advantage of the hole in the Wall…Vulture.**

_(blah_**) : Action/happens on da video**

Blah**: story line**

Blah: com link

-

Ratchet looked up from his work bench. There was that feeling again…That scary, foreboding feeling he'd been having for days on end…No, it couldn't be…

It couldn't be one of those days…It just couldn't…

Oh, but it was.

Time to get the video camera out, he guessed.

**7:00 AM**

"Ow…my CPU…" A dizzy looking Sentinel Prime staggered into the Med Bay. "H-hey, you…Medic bot, whatsyerfaceplates…" he groaned. "Got anything for an aching processor?"

Ratchet scowled. Clearly, Sentinel had discovered that energon and oil was a combo that could only lead to a massive hangover. Fortunately, the Elite Guard member hadn't noticed how cheesed off Ratchet was so far, so it was time to teach this little punk a lesson.

"Sure, I'll be right with you kid. Just have to do a few things first." Ratchet replied cheerfully, causing the poor mech to cover his audio receptors in pain.

"Not so l-loud, please. Primus, my head…"

Quickly typing 'Heavy Death Metal Music' into the Youtube search bar, he plugged in a paper shredder and a vacuum into the outlet across the room. Pressing 'play' on his computer, the wailing of guitars and the thunder of drums made Sentinel yelp in pain, as he tried trying desperately to block out the noise. That's when Ratchet rushed to the other side of the room and turned both appliances on at the same time.

**7:01 AM**

_(Sentinel is seen fleeing from Ratchet's Med Bay, screaming bloody murder, his hands over his audios. Optimus peers out from behind the corner curiously, smirking when he sees his rival running off. He gives Ratchet the thumbs up sign, and Ratchet returns it heartily. Prime wanders off, smirking some more.)_

**8:00 AM**

"Heeeey, Ratchet? You got any super glue lying around?" Bumblebee asked, poking his head into the Med Bay. Ratchet grabbed a bottle and threw it over his shoulder at the young mech. Bee grabbed it, and yelled a hasty 'Thanks!'

**8:10 AM**

"Uh, Ratch? You have any duct tape?" Bee was back, covered in feathers and bread crumbs. The Medic grabbed a roll and tossed it to him.

"Knock yourself out, kid." Ratchet replied, scribbling down on a datapad.

"Thanks again!" Bee rushed out. As he did, Ratchet leaned against his door's frame, watching him go.

Better get the old camera ready again.

**8:11 AM**

_(Bee is seen running from a very angry Bulkhead, who is almost unrecognizable under all the tape, paint, and what appears to be…pigeon feathers. The giant is screaming obscenities at the prankster, while Ratchet makes a note to censor anything too coarse later in the background.)_

**8:50 AM**

"Hold still! This stuff's worse than the tar we trapped the Dinobots in!" Ratchet was trying to melt the duct tape off of Bulkhead's frame, but with little success.

Bulkhead winced. "That pinches…" he grumbled.

"Oh stop complaining, you sparkling."

"Don't think I'm not trying."

"Tell you, what." Ratchet said, pulling a wad of duct tape out from under one of the green mech's door wings. "I'll help you get back at Bumblebee later if you don't complain until I'm done."

"You'd really do that?" Bulkhead asked.

"Boy, I've got a video recording device, and vorns of experience. I know what I'm doing. So, do we have an accord then?"

"Uh, I guess."

"Good. Now, shut your yap! I'm almost done."

**9:30 AM (Patrol time for the Autobots)**

"Hmmm…she's not usually this late." Ratchet had washed his hands of anything remotely sticky. "Suits her though, considering her attitude."

"Oh, now that's just uncalled for." A silky female voice came from the window. Ratchet didn't even need to turn to know who it was.

"Oh, come now, BlackArachnia, you know I was just kidding. Anyway, any reason why you're so late, young lady?"

The femme rolled her optics. "What are you, my dad? I had to make a detour."

"Traffic?"

"No, more like Blitzwing and Lugnut. I swear, it's like they're looking for me." She growled in a pissed off sort of way.

"Can you blame Megatron for looking for you?"

"Not really. Anyway, you remember why I'm here in the first place, right?"

"Yeah, I'm not that old, you know." Ratchet sighed. "It's Optimus. Lately, he's been wandering around like a zombie, and I'm worried. This thing between you two is getting out of hand. I'm not asking you to forgive him outright, but at least put him out of his misery. Tell him whether you still like him or not."

"You're asking me to do something that would require several angsty episodes to figure out, old man. The writers would never give me that much time. Apparently, I'm not IMPORTANT enough."

"Well, you'll need to talk to a fan fiction writer then won't you?"

"I guess so." She replied, shrugging. "Alright, I'll need a writer's help if I want to speed things up a bit. I'll go look for one. In the meantime, keep an optic out for me tonight." Transforming, she turned her back on the Medic, ready to scuttle out the window, but paused. "Why are you doing this for him, anyway?" She asked

Ratchet didn't answer, but began to tinker with one of his various upgrades. This one in particular was for Bumblebee for the holiday humans called 'Christmas'.

"He's like a son to you, isn't he?"

"You could say that."

**10:00 AM**

"Ah, there's the returning patrol now." Ratchet grumbled. Surprisingly, Jazz was among the returning Autobots.

Prowl stalked into the Med Bay, looking pissed to the highest degree. "Bartender, a nice, strong shot of Sakeoil." He growled, sitting himself on what looked suspiciously like a barstool, which was placed behind a repair berth. His arms were crossed and he was scowling.

It was an awkward scene, but Ratchet took it in stride. Tossing a small barrel of the requested oil over his shoulder, he asked, "Tough day, kid?"

Prowl caught it deftly and, poking a hole into the top with his shuriken, drained a fourth of it in one gulp. "You have no idea."

"Careful, Prowl. Prime told me you're only allowed to have one of those a day," Ratchet said in a warning tone. "And I've counted how many I have stocked."

Prowl didn't even appear to be listening. He was just staring at the half empty barrel of oil in disgust. "It's that JAZZ…AGAIN."

"Humph. Never pegged you as the jealous type." Ratchet said, giving his best impression of a bartender. "Just tell him how you hate his guts that's all you need to do. It'll get that off your chassis, and you'll feel better."

"Hmm…perhaps you're right." Prowl slammed the barrel of oil onto the berth, spilling a little. "Yes, I think I'll confront him before he leaves today." The ninja bot stomped out, clearly determined to give Jazz a piece of his CPU.

Ratchet picked the small barrel and took an experimental sip. He grimaced. "How that kid can process this garbage, I'll never know." Ratchet coughed, and tossed the container in the trash.

**10:10 AM**

_(A loud argument erupts in the room next door. The camera shakes on the table as a loud CRASH comes from Prowl's room. There's an awkward silence, then Jazz's voice can be heard in the background. It's hard to make out what he's saying, but it's clear he's not at all angry…In fact, it's very gentle._

_Then the moaning starts. Ratchet makes a gagging noise that's loud enough for the camera to pick up. But it's somewhat clear that the Medic is very amused.)_

**10:13 AM**

_(Footsteps can be heard from Prowl's room. Ratchet picks up the camera and tucks it so it's half hidden behind some files. _

_Jazz comes in, holding Prowl by the hand. Ratchet holds up a hand just as Jazz is about to say something. Prowl appears to be panting lustfully, and Jazz looks over at the Medic nervously. . Tossing him a card key, the Medic points to a back supply room and smiles in an understanding and mischievous way. _

_Jazz catches the key, mouths a 'Thank you', and then leads Prowl inside._

_There is a considerable amount of scuffling and moaning for at least ten minutes before it is quiet yet again.)_

"Hmmmm…" Ratchet pondered aloud, to himself, "I wonder if it was a good idea to keep the stasis cuffs in there? In retrospect, no. But I'm sure it made their day a lot more fun."

**11:30 AM**

_(Prowl and Jazz can be heard talking inside the store room Ratchet smiles as he hears Prowl give a faint gasp. More scuffling ensues for at least five minutes, and then all is silent again.)_

**12 Noon**

"About time, you two. I was starting to get worried." Ratchet didn't even bother turning to face the two mechs, he knew Jazz's glossa was still on Prowl's neck. "Alright, you two, give me that key card." Jazz left Prowl's side and handed the key back.

"Hey, listen, Ratchet…Thanks for being so cool about…y'know…" Jazz proceeded to say, but Ratchet held up a silencing hand.

"It's perfectly fine," Ratchet huffed, "Just don't ask me to use that room every fraggin' day, or I may reconsider and take your privileges away."

"Well, thanks again, Ratchet. I better get back. Ultra Magnus must be blowing a fuse, worrying about me." Jazz turned to Prowl, gave him one last kiss and darted out.

The black ninja bot appeared to be floating where he stood. He still had his hand on the spot where Jazz's glossa had been.

Ratchet interrupted his bliss rather bluntly. "So, did he use the stasis cuffs on you?" The Medic asked.

Prowl seemed to snap out of his stupor, and replied, "N-no. He said something about that being too rough…Thanks again." He darted out the door like a startled cat.

Ratchet couldn't help but smile.

**1:00 PM (Ratchet's Energon Break)**

"Uh, Ratchet? You may want to come see this."  Optimus' voice sounded from Ratchet's com link. "Do you know these guys?"

"What guys?" Ratchet asked.

He almost regretted asking that.

"HEY, RATCH!"

"Long time no see!"

"We missed you!"

Ratchet tensed. OH NO…NOT THESE THREE. NOT TODAY…

" Sideswipe? Sunstreaker? Bluestreak? Is that really you?" Ratchet asked nervously. 'Please, oh please, Primus not those Pit spawned fraggers…

"LE GASP! Ratch, you remember us!" Sunstreaker cried happily.

Ratchet sighed. Primus must have some sense of humor…

**1:30 PM (New arrivals come to Autobot base)**

"Ratchet! Buddy, we missed you!" The Lambo Twins hugged the irate Medic.

"Yeah, it was SOOO boring being alone without anyone new to prank!" Sideswipe said, energon tears of happiness in his optics. He sniffled. "But now…we've been reunited! Isn't that the best thing ever?!"

"Yes…happy…joy…" Ratchet grumbled. "Wait, where's Bluestre-?" BANG! "Oh, right. He's still accident prone, correct?"

"Unfortunately. Hey, Blue, we're in here!" Sunny called.

Somehow, Bluestreak had gotten a very large vase stuck to his head. "AHHH! It's DARK in HERE! HELPHELPHELP ME RATCH!" He wailed, arms flailing.

"Hold him still, you two." Rachet ordered. The Twins held the panicking mech steady as Ratchet took a length of pipe out the closet. "Alright, Blue, stay absolutely still." The distraught mech was trembling but nodded and tried to keep still.

Smashing the pipe down on the vase, it shattered into a million bits, but the mech underneath was unscathed. "T-THANKS, RATCH!" Bluestreak yelled, tackle hugging the Medic.

"Hey, get in line, Blue!" Sides snapped indignantly.

"Yeah, we were here first!" Sunny added.

'Urge…to kill…rising…' Ratch thought angrily. Pushing the trembling mech off of him, he replied gruffly, "Yes, nice to see you too, Bluestreak. Listen, you lot, I have a favor to ask of you."

"You saved my head!" Bluestreak exclaimed. "I'll do anything to repay you!"

"I dunno, Ratch…" The Twins exchanged wary glances.

"It involves pranking the lubricating fluid out of Bumblebee."

The twin Lambos grinned. "We're in. What do we need to do?"

**2:30 PM**

"Alright, everyone clear on the plan?"

"Yep!"

"We sure are, Ratch."

"Good to go!"

"Alright, you three get ready." Ratchet dismissed the three younger bots, who scampered off, giggling impishly.

"Are you sure we can trust them, Ratchet?" Bulkhead asked nervously.

"Bulkhead, Sunny and Sides are two of the most ruthless pranksters on this side of the universe, but they're loyal to me, for some reason beyond my comprehension. They'd never betray us under any circumstances."

"Alright…" Bulkhead said, still hesitant.

**2:40 PM**

"Oh, Primus…It actually worked. Good thing I brought my camcorder."

_(Bee is hanging upside down by one servo, which is held by a rope, which is tied around a tree stump. The lens zooms out to show Bee's actually hanging off the side of a cliff.)_

"Oh, HAHA, guys." Bee grumbled, swinging slightly. "Now get me down!"

"Ok! Your wish is my command!" Bluestreak deftly sliced the rope attached to the stump, causing Bee to plummet into a small lake just under the cliff.

**(Nothing truly eventful happens to Ratch until 6:00 PM, so we'll skip to then.)**

**6:00 PM**

Sipping a cube of energon, Ratchet looks out at the darkening sky. Today had certainly been eventful, but it was far from over, as he would soon learn.

**6:05 PM **

"Hello? Anybot home?" Ratchet looked up. That was Jazz…What was he doing here so late?

The Elite Cyberninja held a finger to his mouth, and pointed to Prowl's door. "I convinced Ultra Magnus to let me stay the night." Jazz explained in a low voice.

"Well, you two enjoy yourselves…"Ratchet replied idly.

"Er, can I borrow that key card for a second?" Jazz asked somewhat sheepishly. Taking the card, he was in and out of the room in two seconds, emerging with something hidden behind his back. "Here, and thanks." Jazz ran off to Prowl's room. Ratchet had seen what was behind Jazz's back.

A pair of stasis cuffs.

The old mech shook his head and grinned.

**8:00 PM**

"Pssst…Ratchet? Are you up?" A female voice called from outside.

"Yes, I'm still up," Ratchet was reading a few old datapads and didn't bother looking up. "The question is, however, have you made up your mind?"

"Yes, I have…" the hesitant voice flowed inside. "Could you get Optimus to get out here?"

"Alright, alright…" Ratchet got up, stretched, and trudged off to Prime's room.

**8:30 PM**

_(The camera focuses on the window. Outside, it's pitch black, but Optimus' and Blackarachnia's voices cane be heard from the shadows. Their voices are soft and low. Heck, BlackArachnia even sounds apologetic. After a little while, Optimus returns inside, his face plates betraying his relief.)_

"Good night, kid." Ratchet said sleepily. It wasn't any of his business to ask about what had gone down outside.

Besides, judging by how the kid smiled in a calm sort of way, he could tell things had been patched up at the very least.

**9:00 PM**

Ratchet yawned. His recharge berth was calling him…

Setting the camcorder down, he ran a finger across its back. It shuddered like a cat that had been pleasantly surprised by its owner. "Well, old girl, you need some rest…as do I."

Setting it on the table next to his berth, he rolled over onto his back.

"Good night."

-

**Wow, this was rather pointless. Oh well. I enjoyed writing it. Plus, this was sorta my first fic involving slash. Hooray for me.**


End file.
